Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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