I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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