Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
