I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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