my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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