I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
