I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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