She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
