the condom got lost in my hair
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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