I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
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You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
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You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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