I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
