i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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