It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
he's single and there are thong briefs.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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