I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
