You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
