So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
