I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
