Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
