you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
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There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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