omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
