He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
