I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
