I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
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Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
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I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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