I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
