i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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