hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
