Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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