I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
