Is it normal to miss your booty call?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
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