did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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