I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
