just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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