her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
not ubering you a puppy
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
