she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
ok first of all what the fuck
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