well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He had one of those small greek statue penises
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
false alarm, still single
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
