Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
