There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
