She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
