"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
ttyl tear gas
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
