I wish I could punch you in the face.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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