ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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