Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
