I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
