this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
