Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
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