Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
