is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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