Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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