we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Randomize
