Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
