i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
