I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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