I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
