why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
