I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
